This I can do without....

A friend and I got in a discussion about ego surfing, so of course we had to check.
At least the 5th one down was actually about me.

“Sometimes questions are more important than answers.” -Nancy Willard

The problem with having an active imagination is reality rarely trumps it. Or even equals it, for that matter.

This truck has been sitting in the same spot for over a week. I'm surprised it hasn't been reported, cordoned off, hazmated, drug-sniffed, bomb-sniffed, and removed from the premises yet. Does nobody remember 9/11?

But after deciding to check it out myself last night I started wondering about what I hoped to find.

I honestly expected it to be empty, which would have led to some simple jokes and a quick wrap-up to this story. Another obvious joke about Al Capone's Vaults or something lame like "They're digging in the wrong place!"

Maybe empty except for a dead, dried-out crow (they're everywhere around here because of the restaurants). After sitting in 80+ degree weather for a week at least the story would have ended on a nicely gruesome note.

Or, if I'd been lucky, it would have been something harmless but weird. A truck full of manikins, or thousands of empty cigar boxes, or maybe just pallet after pallet of left-handed scissors.

And of course the least favorable, but still interesting, would have been some sort of crime scene. Stolen flat-screen TVs; meth-lab debris; a large brown bloodstain.

The truth turned out to be so boring I considered not even following up with this post. Here then is the photographic evidence from last night's 'adventure', proving once again how boring reality can be:

No lock! I'm way too old for this to still thrill me....



What the? Building materials? A hand truck?



I mean come on, where's the excitement? A box of nails?

sheesh.

And the final reveal; you can't really read it in this picture but I recognized the font used on that sign, and then the name. It's "Varlamos Pizzeria", the Italian restaurant down the block from us. Apparently they've done some remodelling, and this truck is just the temporary overflow. Construction flotsam.

Which explains why nobody's had the truck towed, I'm sure the property managers know what's up.


I've been Geraldo'd.

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?"

So in the parking lot of the store I work at there's a white delivery truck that's been sitting in the same spot for about a week.

My coworker Joy left me a note asking if we should report it. I said "No, it's got that cool 'the Cook, the Thief...' vibe going on" knowing she'd get the reference to a horrible event in a Peter Greenaway film from 1989.

Getting out of my car today I decided to check the back door for a lock, thinking I may pop it off with some monster bolt cutters I have. What do ya know? No lock!

Since I happen to have some leather gloves (no prints), a powerful flashlight (no surprises), and a camera (no lack of evidence) with me; I've decided after I close the store tonight (and under cover of darkness) I'm going to check out what's in the truck.

What will I find? Will it be the remains of a mobile meth-lab? The desiccated remains of some undocumented workers? Thousands of discount sunglasses? Or will I be just another Geraldo digging in Al Capone's vaults?

Tune in later to read about my next exciting adventure! With pictures!

wheresmycellphone.com

Misplaced your cellphone? No longer have one of those old-fashioned 'land lines'? Have easy access to the internet? Quick, to wheresmycellphone.com!




This site actually works pretty fast. I have never had a cellphone, so I entered my land line number, hit 'Make it ring!' and within two seconds the phone was ringing. Out of curiousity I answered it, a (surprisingly sensual) recording of a woman's voice says, "Thank you for using 'wheresmycellphone.com'. Goodbye now!"


The whole concept of this website seems odd to me, a weird confluence of social trends and technology.

First, cellphone saturation in America is estimated at about 82%, and roughly 1/4 of American homes no longer have landlines. Then, total broadband connections in American homes is estimated at 57%, with most of those through their cable providers (again, no need for landlines).

So somebody noticed a tiny little need and created this website to fill the niche.

Since nobody could be expected to pay for the service it's provided free; the only way to profit then is by selling adspace, which 'wheresmycellphone' does in spades. Seriously, the page is basically one box of service surrounded by a sea of ads (and a lonely 'Donate' button).

I'm reminded, oddly, of the Pony Express, the trans-American mail service from back in the 'Old West' days. I guess because the Pony Express filled a niche, as does 'wheresmycellphone.com'.

However, even though the Pony Express has entered out cultural folklore it only ran for about a year, closing two days after the First Transcontinental Telegraph reached Salt Lake City and connected Omaha, Nebraska and Sacramento, California.

I doubt 'wheresmycellphone' will ever earn a spot in American cultural history. It's sort of the inverse of the Pony Express; extremely limited demand, but doesn't really cost anything to provide (and nothing to use). And with the unlimited amount of 'space' available in cyberspace this site can sit there forever, like a sort of 'Historic Trail' marker for one of the weird little backwaters of web 1.0.

Y Wii Kant Reed Gud

SCI FI Channel changes its name to 'Syfy'.

http://scifiwire.com/2009/03/sci-fi-channel-to-become.php

"By changing the name to Syfy, which remains phonetically identical, the new brand broadens perceptions and embraces a wider range of current and future imagination-based entertainment beyond just the traditional sci-fi genre, including fantasy, supernatural, paranormal, reality, mystery, action and adventure. It also positions the brand for future growth by creating an ownable trademark that can travel easily with consumers across new media and nonlinear digital platforms, new international channels and extend into new business ventures."


Oh where to begin? First there's the painfully outdated market-speak; "new brand broadens perceptions", "imagination-based entertainment", "positions the brand", "ownable trademark", "travel easily with consumers", "nonlinear digital platforms". Christ, there isn't a single phrase in this paragraph that doesn't piss me off.

I guess my biggest issue with this "rebranding", though, is the claim "...Syfy, which remains phonetically identical...". Really?

Within a word the 'y' sound is the soft 'i', and at the end of a word it's usually a hard 'e'. Just look at the word 'mystery', used in the first sentence. M-'i'-ster-'E'. Not M'I'-str-'I'. In standard usage this new spelling of Sci-fi (a contraction that bugs me anyways, is it really too strenuous to say 'Science fiction'?) would be pronounced 'S-'i'-ff-'E', or 'Siffy'.

So in order to 'move forward' with 'positioning the brand' they choose a silly respelling that reads like a lisper saying 'sissy'.

Good choice. Way to 'invite both consumers and advertisers into a new era of unlimited imagination, exceptional experiences and greater entertainment', by making up a new spelling for a contraction and then mispronouncing it.

Bunch of siffies. Think I'd rather go read a book.

The truth will set you free. Or on fire. Whichever....

Dear Asshole, thanks for picking my plate to steal.

My one day off this week, when I decide to treat myself to a film I want to see in the theatre instead of waiting for the video like I normally do.

Thanks for taking the plate off my car. My beat-up; 24-year-old; not-insured; I-only-own-because-my-friend-Jason-hooked-me-up-&-it-only-cost-$290; motherfucking-clunker-but-I-love-to-drive-her-&-SHE's-MINE piece of shit car.

Obviously, out of all the other cars on Capitol Hill tonight I'm the guy with all the free time & all the extra cash to deal with this kind of hassle.

Do me one favor? Before you strap that plate on your car & start doing drug runs with my number (the #1 reason plates are stolen in Seattle) give me enough time to wait for the cop to show & take my statement reporting it stolen? That extra kinda noise I can do without.

7/12 update: To get new plates in Washington State you have to fill out a form (Affidavit of Loss/Release of Interest "TD-420-040"), get it Notarized, and then take it to your nearest Dept. of Licensing with picture ID, your Registration, and money. This is going to end up costing me 50+ bucks and the better part of a day driving around Seattle.

Photobooth FAIL:

The power of context.

I stole this from my friend Mike's blog because it's some of the finest comedy writing I've seen in ages. Just brilliant.

I was just flashmobbed by zombies in my vidstore...

...they tried to kidnap me and take me to the Zombiewalk & "Thriller Re-enactment" Guinness World Record attempt, but there's no-body to cover for me, natch.