Automotive Natural Selection.

I killed a bird with my car yesterday.

I assume I've killed before. I don't remember the last time it happened, but I'm sure I've hit my share of small animals over the past 22 years I've been driving.

The circumstances were a bit odd this time, though.

I was driving around part of Greenlake on my way from our Phinney Ridge store to our bank. It was early afternoon, around 1pm. The sun was out, it was clear, if a little brisk outside. The road was straight and I was going about 30 mph (okay maybe 40).

About 50 feet out I notice a small bird in my lane, eating what at first glance appears to be a previously crushed bird carcass (which, in fact, it turns out to be). The dining bird is 8" to 10" tall and looks like a tiny falcon, with a light brown coat & hood, white chest, and a distinct raptor beak. It looks up at one point, then goes back to pulling at some red/grey string coming out of the dead bird.

I always drive with my headlights on, so I'm pretty sure he saw me when he looked up. But since he seems unconcerned I give him a blast from my horn.

Sidenote: I have always updated the horn in every car I drive. I speak softly, but carry a big honk. Currently I'm driving an '85 Mazda RX7, a sporty little 2-seater. Hardly a commanding presence, but with the added 137 decibel low-note horn firing in sync with the Mazda's OEM factory horn it's hard not to be noticed. (Standing in front of the car when the horn goes off won't give you a heart attack, but you'll probably clench all your doughnut-shaped muscles.)

He definitely heard me this time. His head pops up, cocks to one side like he's trying to do the math. The crows around here will wait 'til the last possible moment, then step just enough out of your way to let you know they're doing you a favor. His attitude seems about the same, and I expect him to hop out of the way at the final moment.

THUMP!! I feel the impact through the accelerator pedal, through the frame of the car and up into my lower back through the bucket seat (keep in mind in the RX7 my butt's about a foot above the asphalt) .

A quick glance in my side mirror and I see a classic, almost cartoonish, puff of feathers; a down-pillow hit with a squib.

I'm too surprised at first to feel anything except shock. Then I feel a little sad, then a bit self-conscious.

Then contempt. The fucker saw me; we practically looked each other in the eye. And I know damn well he heard me. WTF? I glance back and the feather cloud is settling, but still in evidence.

What a dumbass.

I feel a flutter behind my ribs; something waits for freedom.

BBC Newsnight —Tuesday, 18 November 2008

"In an exclusive interview, the son of novelist Vladimir Nabokov tells Newsnight why he is defying his father's wishes to posthumously publish the controversial writer's final novel."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/newsnight/7735483.stm

"How the World Views Us"

From last month's Reader's Digest:

A moot point now, to be sure. But I just found the article and I thought it was an interesting metric of how much the Bush administration has managed to fuck up/piss off the rest of the world as well.

"Please furnish copies of all resumes & biographical statements issued by you or any other entity at your discretion sent in the past 10 years."

Oy. Just found a copy of the 63-item questionnaire issued by the Obama administration to any potential appointees:

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/national/13apply_questionnaire.pdf

Just trying to read it made my head hurt & my eyes glaze over. Not that I don't like answering surveys (as anybody who's 'friends' with me on MySpace must realize by now), but seriously, these questions are pretty extent. Here's a quick sampling:


II. (10) Writings: Please list and, if readily available, provide a copy of each book, article, column or publication (including but not limited to any posts or comments on blogs or other websites) you have authored, individually or with others. Please list all aliases or "handles" you have used to communicate on the Internet.

II. (14) Diaries: If you keep or have ever kept a diary that contains anything that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.

III. (16) Please list each membership, including any board memberships, you or your spouse have or have had with any political, civic, social, charitable, educational, professional, fraternal, benevolent or religious organization, private club or other membership organization (including any type of tax-exempt organization) during the past ten years. Please include dates of membership and any positions you may have had with the organization.

IV. (24) Please list all loans in excess of $10,000 made to you or your spouse, or by you or your spouse, which existed at anytime during the past ten years. Please specify the creditor or the debtor, interest rate, due date and any other key terms, and identify the purpose for which the liability was incurred. Please also specify the extent to which any such loans contained terms not generally available to the public, such as below-market rates.

IV. (30) Do you, your spouse, or any membership of your immediate family, or business in which you, your spouse, or immediate family members have a substantial interest, have any relationship with any government, whether federal, state, local, Indian or foreign, through contracts, consulting services, grants, loans or guarantees? If yes, please provide details.


My favorite ones are at the very end, under 'Miscellaneous':


VIII. (58) Please provide the URL address of any websites that feature you in either a personal or professional capacity (e.g., Facebook, My Space, etc.)

VII. (59) Do you or any members of your immediate family own a gun? If so, provide complete ownership and registration information. Has the registration ever lapsed? Please also describe how and by whom it is used and whether it has been the cause of any personal injuries or property damage.


But the best is the very last question, I love the way it's worded:


VIII. (63) Please provide any other information, including information about other members of your family, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect.


I couldn't answer these without a team of monkey-lawyers working around the clock, and I've never even been in politics, had a bank loan, or owned property.

What's sad though, is that in this current age & day qualifications/experience alone won't get you a position, you also have to be able to cover your, and the President-Elect's, ass from potential embarrassment or litigation.

Hail the Republic.

"I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time."

A brief sample of Bill Hicks, the closest thing to a spiritual leader I will ever know. And for you kiddies out there, he died in 1994 from pancreatic cancer:

"You ever see a positive story about drugs on the news? Ever?! Me either. Isn't that weird? The news is supposed to be objective.

"Same LSD story every time; we've all heard it:

"Young man takes acid, thinks he can fly. Jumps out of a building. What a tragedy."

"What a dick! Really, if you think about it. If he thought he could fly why didn't he take off from the ground & check it out first? Why give acid a bad name because you're a moron, you know?

"I'd like to see a positive LSD story. Would that be newsworthy just once?

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condenced to a slower vibration. That we are all one consiousness going through itself subjectively. There's no such thing as 'death'; 'life' is only a dream and you're the imagination of yourselves. Here's Tom with the weather!"

But what does it mean?

I swear I didn't Photoshop this picture in any way. I was driving home in the rain last night and found myself behind a Mercedes minivan with the vanity plate 'Warm Blood'.

I suppose it could actually stand for 'Worm Boulevard' or 'Warm/Bold', or something else I'm missing. Maybe it's just my predilection for horror films that makes me see 'Warm Blood', but seriously, what do you see when you read 'WRM BLD'?
What does it mean?

"...to be high, live low, stay young forever..."

"The modern picture of the artist began to form: The poor, but free spirit, plebeian but aspiring only to be classless, to cut himself forever free from the bonds of the greedy bourgeoisie, to be whatever the fat burghers feared most, to cross the line wherever they drew it, to look at the world in a way they couldn't see, to be high, live low, stay young forever -- in short, to be the bohemian." —Thomas Wolfe

Not that I really consider myself an artist, just that I've always been disinterested in money. Which in American society more or less labels me a commie-homo-babykilling-witch. Those of you who know me well won't be surprised by the following numbers.

From a recent Social Security missive:
Your Earnings Record
1987 — $671
1988 — $0 —Senior year in HS. Didn't work 'cuz I was popped for 'Criminal Trespass'.
1989 — $1,176
1990 — $8,412
1991 — $12,073
1992 — $16,589
1993 — $17,479
1994 — $20,315
1995 — $19,762 —Wife left me 'cuz of my suicidal depression. Quit my factory job.
1996 — $8,054 —Part time at Crown Books, again.
1997 — $14,199
1998 — $20,238 —Store Manager at Crown, before they shut down.
1999 — $23,525 —Fired from 'Barnes & Noble' for being 12 minutes late.
2000 — $17,216 —Temp jobs for next 4 years.
2001 — $14,523
2002 — $14,091
2003 — $6,919
2004 — $13,300 —Managing Island Video from here on.
2005 — $22,450
2006 — $25,146
2007 — $25,100

So yes, I've never earned more than I have in the last 2 years of my life, and never more than $25,000 per year. Considering that amounts to a 'take home' of around $18,500 per year, and my rent alone is $8,000, you can well imagine how much cash I have to spread about.

On paper it may seem a poor life. But I've never felt the need to sell what I would consider my personal freedoms for a bit more scratch.

Excusing my own laziness? Sure.
Interested in the 'freedom' more income would allow? Not really.
Going to die alone in a pauper's gutter? Most likely.
Forever broke, in basically a stressless existence? Yup.
I can live with that.
Hell, it's only money.